Two Paths: Part 2 of 3

Path 2

In the summer of 2006 two familes moved into our ward who did foster care. Each family had two beautiful children whom they had raised since infancy and were in the hopeful process of adoption for each child. I knew very little about foster care at the time, but my curiosity was piqued. One Sunday in late August, as I was passing one of the foster dads in the hallway, I pulled him aside and started to quiz him about fostering; how did it work, did they like it, how did they get started, was it scary, etc, etc. The Spirit had started to work on me. On our way home from church that day, I told Matt what this friend had relayed to me and I asked him if he ever thought we could do foster care. (I knew his answer would be no, but I just wanted to hear him say it so that I could stop thinking about it.) "Actually, I think that we could," was his sincere reply. What?!? Did he really just say what I thought he said? Now you have to understand, Matt has had the position, ever since Anne was born, that our family was absolutely, positively, most certainly complete. He has not wavered from this belief one ounce despite me feeling absolutely, positively, and most certainly that our family was not complete. We were at a stand still on the subject and all of a sudden it looked like maybe we weren't supposed to have more children, but we were supposed to help more children.

So, I started doing some research. I went online and looked up info on fostering and I called our State Department of Health and Welfare to have some information sent to us. Matt and I looked over it and decided to go ahead with the 27 hours of training that is required to become a foster family. The training took place over a period of 3 weekends in September. We would go to class on Friday evening for 3 hours and then on Saturday for 6 hours. It was exausting emotionally, but also eye-opening and motivating. At the same time that we were doing our foster care training, our son Michael was having a difficult time with emotional/social behavior problems. We were seeing a doctor and he had started Michael on a new medicine to see if it would help. While Matt and I were in our final day of training, we received a call from our babysitter that Michael had regressed dramatically. I was so dissappointed. Instead of finishing the training feeling ready to take on a foster child, Matt and I left knowing that we couldn't do it. I was defeated and quite honestly felt like a failure as a mother. Once again I went on my 'why' quest? Why was Heavenly Father leading us to help other children when our own child so obviously needed help. Why did I ever think we would be capable of taking on that much more stress in our lives? Why couldn't Michael just respond the same way other kids did? Why wasn't I good enough? These 'why's' persisted and I did not receive an immediate answer from my Heavenly Father. I just knew that I needed to love my son right now and somehow He would take care of the rest. We continued to seek out help for Michael and took him off of the medication that had "activated" him. Under his doctor's expertise and our constant prayers, Michael started to improve. The new medicine that was prescribed for him made a huge difference and Michael started to flourish; at home, church, and school.

Fast forward to early spring of 2007 when I was prompted to take the entrance exam to nursing. It looked like everything was falling into place perfectly. Our little family was complete, Michael was doing well, and I would start school soon.

Then The Spirit started once again to work on my heart. "You could help with foster care," He whispered. "Michael is doing well and a little child needs your help. You aren't going to start school for another year and a half, you have time to help." His promptings kept coming and so once again I went to my sweet husband and once again I was certain of his negative response. Matt once again surprised me and said that he thought now would be a good time, apparently The Spirit had been working on him as well. (At this point you may start to realize that I don't have everything and everyone figured out the way I like to think I do. :) ) So, I called the Department and we set up a time to complete our home study for foster care licensing. We had already completed all of our training and the home study was our last step. This happened at the end of April and by the middle of May we were licensed. We told the Department that we would only accept an infant (newborn to one month), and they had assured us that this was fine because there was a huge need for newborn foster parents. They receive about one infant per week into care and the week we had our home study completed, they received three infants. So, we knew that we would be getting the call about our foster baby any second. Those seconds turned into days and then those days turned into weeks. Yep, you guessed it...I started asking why. It didn't make sense that we would be lead to this particular point only to be kept waiting and wondering if we were really needed at all. Satan started his work on us as well. "You aren't good enough to do this. What will people think...you can't even control your own children. This is going to be too hard and you will resent the baby." Satan's promptings persisted and around June 20th I called the Department and asked them to take us off of their crisis list. (Being on the crisis list allows the Department to call you anytime, day or night, to take the type of child you have requested.) By the end of June my nerves were shot and I was tired of jumping every single time the phone rang. I told them to leave us on the regular list, but to take us off of the crisis one. Looking back on it, I can clearly see how Satan used fear to try to dissuade me from fostering.

On Monday, June 25th at 10:52am we received the call. I was in the shower when it came, so I still have the message on our machine. The case worker also left Matt a message at work. He received the message and called me to tell me to get some more information. With my heart pounding out of my chest, I called the Department. They had a newborn boy that was being released from the hospital that day and he needed a home. Would we be willing to take him? I told the case worker that I needed to speak to my husband first, so I called him back and told him all that I knew about the baby. He told me that he was scared, but that I should call them back and tell them ok. I did just that and approximately 7 hours later I held Phillip in my arms for the very first time. I cannot adequately describe how it felt to be handed an infant that was, due to his parent's choices, so vulnerable. All infants are vulnerable, but my heart just ached for this little baby. He was perfect and I loved him immediately.

In December of 2007, the State terminated the parental rights of Phillip's biological parents. He was available for adoption and I was scared to death. Scared that one of his kinship might come out of the woodwork and take him away. Scared that the State would want to try to keep him with his half-brothers. Scared that my heart would be broken and that I wouldn't know how to help myself, let alone my children, who had fallen in love with him as well. In March we found out that the State was going to try to find Phillip a family that would adopt him along with his two brothers. We were not willing to take the other boys due to numerous issues, the most pressing being the health and safety of our current children, so we were now in the position of waiting. If nothing else, fostering teaches patience.

I must mention that at some point during this whole process, Matt fell head over heels in love with this little boy. His firm stance on no more children seemed to soften every day and once he learned that the State was going to try to take Phillip away, a mother bear came out of my husband that I had not witnessed before. He was in absolute protection mode and it became very clear to both of us that we desired to adopt Phillip and be sealed to him forever. The only problem is that we don't get to decide. Not even a court gets to decide. Permanent placement of children in foster care is a Department decision and in our State, foster parents have no rights. The best we can do is write a letter about our love and devotion to this little boy and then have it read at the Permancy Meeting. Our case worker wants Phillip to be with us and is searching for a home for all three boys because of a Federal Mandate and not because it is her desire. We can only pray that she will be our 'voice' in the meeting and that Heavenly Father will direct the committee to make the best decision for Phillip.

Heavenly Father has quite literally taken me by the hand and led me down this path. At times I have felt overwhelmed and emotionally spent, but He has blessed me and my family in ways I cannot express. Phillip has been a healing balm in our lives. He has strengthened our marriage, helped me appreciate the beauty of my children, and brought all of us closer together. He has been a gift.