Bend in the Road

Oh my...I just finished Anne of Green Gables last night and I bawled like a baby. I thoroughly enjoy a good cry from a well written book. :) If you haven't read it, please be aware that there are spoilers below, if you have... well then, read on.

At the end of the book, Anne has received the scholarship to go to college, but Marilla's (her adoptive mother's) eyesight is failing and Marilla's solution is to sell Green Gables (their home). At this point Anne decides to give up her scholarship so that she can stay at home and take care of Marilla.

Anne says, about her decision "I shall give life here my best, and I believe it will give its best to me in return. When I left Queen's my future seemed to stretch out before me like a straight road. I thought I could see along it for many a milestone. Now there is a bend in it. I don't know what lies around the bend, but I'm going to believe that the best does. It has a fascination of its own, that bend, Marilla. I wonder how the road beyond it goes--what there is of green glory and soft, checkered light and shadows--what new landscapes--what new beauties--what curves and hills and valleys further on."

I cried and cried as I read this because it is exactly how I feel right now. Before Philip, I could see my life just like a straight road as well (Anne would go into Kindergarten and I would start my nursing degree), but now I have come to the bend. A decision has to be made and at long last I (with the help of my good husband and Heavenly Father's patience) have made it.

I will stay at home and be the best mother and daughter of God that I can be. I am now willing to take the bend in the road, but my oh my, how my heart keeps searching out the straight one before me. It only made perfect sense for me to pursue my nursing degree (I would have to retake a very difficult class in order to reapply now, it would cost us some $8,000+ more because the Associates program will not be offered after this semester and I will have to complete my Bachelors, and I want to go), but in the end it just didn't feel right.

I have been fairly miserable the last month or so...ever since I thought I could make the scheduling for this semester work. My sister-in-law gave the lesson in church a couple of weeks ago and it was on Obedience. A sweet woman in our ward made a comment and it stuck with me. She said that instead of focusing on when she did feel the spirit, she needed to focus on when she didn't. Wow. I have been, as Anne would say, "In the depths of despair" these last few weeks, and I can't help but feel that this was because the Spirit was absent from my decision to proceed with school.

Has my desire to go right now changed? No. Am I sincerely sad that I must wait? Yes. But... I know that the decision to let full-time schooling wait until another season in my life is the correct one. So..."I shall give life here my best, and I believe it will give its best to me in return."

Book Tag

1- Get the book nearest to you, or one that you are currently reading that is over 123 pages.
2-Go to page 123.
3-Find the 5th sentence.
4-Post the 5th sentence.
5- Tag 5 people.

My cousin Audge book tagged me over a month ago and I have been a slacker and not continued the tagging. Better late then never I say (actually I am not the one that said this, but I think it goes without saying that everyone likes to say it as theirs) :) :) :)
I digress...I am currently obsessed with the Twilight Saga and have read all of the books twice as well as every ounce of extra writing on Stephenie's website. The fourth book in the series, Breaking Dawn, comes out on August 2nd and I am literally counting down the days. Anyway, when I was on her site, she mentioned some of her favorite heroines of all time and one of them is my personal favorite as well. In fact, I love this character so much that I named my daughter after her. I'll give you a hint...her name ends in an e because without the e on the end, it would look "dreadful".
You guessed it...Anne Shirley from Anne of Green Gables. I loved these movies growing up, but I didn't ever read the series until I was a mother and I absolutely adored them. It has been around 8 years since I read them last, so I thought my sweet Anne deserved a re-reading. So, if you flip to page 123 and go down five sentences, this is the descriptive one you get...

"The orchard, with its great sweeping boughs that bent to the ground with fruit, proved so delightful that the little girls spent most of the afternoon in it, sitting in a grassy corner where the frost had spared the green and the mellow autumn sunshine lingered warmly, eating apples and talking as hard as they could."

Whoooh! Now, that's a sentence!!!

I tag Angie, Anna, Barbie, Carrie, and Jacob. Make sure you leave me a comment when you finish so that I can see the exciting books that you are reading. :)

The Gift

Yesterday my eldest sister received the most immense gift anyone could ever give. She and her husband were handed their precious cargo around 10:00pm...and they immediately understood the miracle of adoption.

Their two day old baby girl is healthy and strong and she is theirs. I am overcome with love for their daughter's birth-mother. I cannot adequately express how much compassion my heart feels for her. Her's was the most Christ-like and selfless gift imaginable. I love her.

Next week we will travel to meet our new niece and celebrate with my sister and her family. This little girl is their 5th child and she is blessed to have such an incredible family. I feel so grateful that I now have a sister who has experienced the beauty of adoption. It gives me great joy to know that I will always be able to talk to her about it and know that she truly understands how I feel.

Each and every one of my children have been a gift from my loving Heavenly Father, but when I gave birth, I took it for granted and didn't fully appreciate the magnitude of the gift. When a child comes to you through adoption (I imagine it is very similar for couples with infertility as well), it is a totally different experience. I was intimately aware of Heavenly Father's love for me and my family. He was in the very details of my life and I cannot deny His hand. He loves me, just like He loves you, and His plan for me was so much better then my plan. The experience of adoption was one of the greatest testimony builders I have ever had and I will be forever grateful.

My heart is filled with joy that my kind, compassionate, giving, faithful, trustworthy, and beautiful sister could experience it as well. All my love, Lala.

Failure?

Do you ever just feel like a failure? Like everything you do day in and day out just isn't enough? I have been swimming in my insecurities for the past month and I haven't yet found a way out.

It's wierd.

I know that Heavenly Father loves me and that He knows I am doing my best, so why do I have this 'voice' in my head that tells me I'm not enough? Satan has been working hard on me. He does this every single time I have to make a big decision and this summer I have had to make a lot of big decisions.

First, my schooling. I know, I know, I already decided about that...right? I felt peaceful about my decision and yet I have been sick over it for the last few weeks. When I say sick, I mean literally torn apart. I have registered for the classes and sent in my health requirements, but I haven't been able to go purchase the books or order the scrubs because I am so torn. I am trying really hard to discern whether or not Heavenly Father is trying to tell me it is ok to try to go to school, or whether I just need to submit to His will for me and let go of my own ambitions. I am usually pretty good at discerning answers from Him, but this time...

Secondly, a new baby. Again, Matt and I KNOW the right answer on this one, but Satan has literally camped out on my shoulder and whispered to me every chance he gets that I am not a good enough mother.
"You just yelled at your kids and they didn't deserve that."
"James only wants to play with you and you never seem to have enough time for him."
"Remember how you were going to put your foot down and teach your kids an amazing work ethic this summer?...Why are you letting them watch TV?"
"You can't do it Carol, you know that you will be overwhelmed and cranky."
"Remember how fat you get when you are pregnant?"
"Remember how you only get fatter when you nurse?"
"I mean really, what kind of a mother needs to take a nap every day?"
"In the end, you are selfish and lazy, and you will never be good enough."

Oh man, it hurts to type these words (which my heart tells me are lies), but I have heard them sooooo many times that it's hard not to listen. I realize that these 'thoughts' may seem trivial, but to me personally, they cut to the bone.

Please do not misunderstand me, I do not doubt for one minute that my Savior and Heavenly Father are aware of me and my pain. I KNOW that They know that I am good enough, but right now I am in the midst of battle.

I am, once again, in need of your prayers.

What have YOU been doing this summer?

This is one of the things I have been doing...

Birthday Party Extravaganza!!!

The general rule at our house is that my kids can invite as many friends to their birthday party as they are old. (This rule may need to be modified as my kids are now getting older and older and older.) But this year I was feeling a little brave and so I let Anne invite eight friends to her party...that's how many invitations there were in the much desired Hello Kitty pack. :) It turned out to be a really good thing because half of them couldn't make it for various reasons. In the end, Anne ended up with five friends at her party...the same number as her age...and so no rules were officially broken at our house. :) :) :) We celebrated with cake, ice cream, and good old fashioned slip-n-slide in the back yard. We handed out sidewalk chalk and bubbles for party favors at which point one of the guests replied, "Usually I get candy when I go to parties, do you have any candy instead?" I had to hold back my laugh in front of her, but I loved it because I am sure my kids would say something very similar. Oh the joys of birthdays!!!

My little girl is five!

Anne is 5 years old!!!
We invited Grandma Charlotte, Aunt Linda, Stephen, and Andrew to celebrate Anne's birthday with some yummy cake. We were lucky that they could join us because Linda and her boys were in town for only a short while.

Ever since she was really small, Anne has watched her older brothers get on the school bus and she has wanted to go with them. I have had to tell her repeatedly through the years that when she is 5 she can ride on the bus as well. Well, she's five now, and one of the first things out of her mouth was, "Now I can ride the school bus, right?" Unfortunately she has to wait just a while longer, but then yes, my little girl will be off to kindergarten.

As a side note, we have gotten into a bad habit at our house. We have the family birthday party with cake and then we have the friend's birthday party with even more cake. (I will post pictures from that party soon.) I didn't ever set out to have this be our plan, but around our house, there is no shortage of cake eating at birthday time. Oh, well.


Happy Birthday Anne! I love you so much!!!

Swimming Lessons

Every summer I enroll my kids in swimming lessons and this summer was no exception. I know how to swim, but I would not call myself a strong swimmer and I want my kids to be strong swimmers. Anyway, we have a friend that teaches swimming lessons in her pool and the kids did great this year. Michael has learned all of the strokes and he surprises me with his speed. James is getting more confident and his swimming lessons took place in the deep end. Anne has finally learned how to enjoy the water and her teacher officially describes her as a little fish. I am grateful that we have lessons available to us so close and that the kids have done so well. Here are some pics of the lessons.


James and Michael

Anne

Michael perfecting his sidestroke.

James working on his elementary backstroke.
Anne "diving" into the pool to race in a relay. She was the youngest one in the race and she didn't really know how to freestyle yet, so she just put her arms to her sides and kicked as hard as she could. Her teacher had to grab her at the half-way point so that she could take a breath, but then she just went for it again. She was like a little torpedo and she beat the older boy she was swimming against. Like I said, a little fish.