Two Paths: Part 3 of 3

My Choice


As I have previously written, Heavenly Father has laid out two distinct paths before me. I cannot go down both paths at once (despite my heart aching to do so). I believe that He has prepared and led me to both of them. In Ecclesiastes 3:1 it says, "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven." Heavenly Father wishes to bless me with all the desires of my heart, but there is a season to all of those desires. I know now that my desire to go to school is a righteous one. I also know that Heavenly Father did not give me such a strong desire just to have me be tormented by it. Some day I will go to school and I will become a nurse, but right now I need to submit to Heavenly Father's will for me. It has taken me many years to allow Heavenly Father to have His will be done in my life (don't get me wrong, in some areas I am still very hard-hearted), but in this particular area I want to follow His plan for me instead of my plan for me. In other words, school has to wait, but I want to share how I came to this conclusion.


After Matt and I made the decision to seek the adoption of Phillip, we decided that we needed to fast, pray, and go to the temple in order to feel peace about our decision. I was desperate to receive a confirmation that Phillip would be ours. I had already received a confirmation that it was right to adopt him, I just wanted to receive peace that the State would choose us. Matt and I fasted together as a couple, and while we felt great comfort that Heavenly Father knew and loved us, we did not feel an absolute assurance that all would go as we hoped. I longed to feel this way, so on March 15th we decided to go to the temple together. I wanted to put all of our names on the prayer list (including Phillip's brother's) and I wanted to feel peace in my heart. While at the temple, Matt and I had an extremely sacred experience together. As you know, we were going so that we might be reassured that all would go according to "plan" with Phillip. Instead, we received an entirely different answer. Heavenly Father loved us, He loved Phillip, and He would not forsake us no matter what the outcome, but He had more in store for our family. Heavenly Father spoke to our hearts and we knew that our family was not complete. We were supposed to have another child and that child was anxious to join our family.


So, in roughly three weeks time, Matt had gone from knowing that three children was enough, to knowing that we wanted Phillip and another child as well. Wow! God truly has been so good to us! I cannot adequately express my emotions about this stage of our lives. A beautiful scripture comes to mind that sums it up perfectly. In 1 Corinthians 2:9 it says, "Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him." I love Him and He has molded and shaped my heart so that I would be prepared for His blessings.

I feel that I must mention that I had been trying to "convince" my husband for years that we needed to have more children. Once, I had a counselor say to me, "Carol, you are never going to change Matt's mind. If you are truly supposed to have more children, then God is the only one that can change his mind. It isn't up to you, you need to have faith and let God work on Matt." I of course, balked at this idea and I just kept thinking that if I said the right thing at the right time, or I was a good enough mother, or a good enough wife, then Matt would see that I was right and that we were supposed to have more children. But I wasn't right. It wasn't up to me to force my will on Matt. I needed to love him regardless of how he felt about more children. I needed to accept him for all of his strengths and his weaknesses. I needed to let it go and let Heavenly Father take control. By the way, this 'letting go' took approximately 4 years for me to do. I am crying as I write this because I can see how prideful I was and how I was leaning on my own abilities instead of letting Heavenly Father be in charge. Also, I need to add that as soon as Matt felt the promptings from our Heavenly Father, he was willing to obey. He didn't need to stew it over or second guess what this meant for our family...he was simply willing to be obedient. (And all along I thought I was the righteous one:):))

I heard a beautiful quote at Women's Conference 3 years ago and it was one of those things that Heavenly Father put in my path so that He could help shape my heart. It is by Jeffrey R. Holland and it says, "In those crucial moments of pivotal personal history we must submit ourselves to God even when all our hopes and fears may tempt us otherwise. We must be willing to place all that we have---not just our possessions...but also our ambition and pride and stubbornness and vanity---on the altar of God, kneel there in silent submission, and willingly walk away." I am trying, for the first time in a long time, to 'willingly walk away'.

Do we know the outcome of Phillip's adoption? No. Do we know how long it will take us to receive another child into our home? No. Can we adopt Phillip, have another baby, and still find a way to let me go to school? No. Does Heavenly Father love us and has He been guiding us to this particular decision at this particular time? YES! I am overcome with joy at His plan for me. It is not the one that I would have chosen and yet I am humbled by it. So Heavenly Father, in this thing, I will submit. I know that I will be blessed, my marriage will be blessed, and that my children will be blessed because of my obedience.


The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost