Do you ever just feel like a failure? Like everything you do day in and day out just isn't enough? I have been swimming in my insecurities for the past month and I haven't yet found a way out.
It's wierd.
I know that Heavenly Father loves me and that He knows I am doing my best, so why do I have this 'voice' in my head that tells me I'm not enough? Satan has been working hard on me. He does this every single time I have to make a big decision and this summer I have had to make a lot of big decisions.
First, my schooling. I know, I know, I already decided about that...right? I felt peaceful about my decision and yet I have been sick over it for the last few weeks. When I say sick, I mean literally torn apart. I have registered for the classes and sent in my health requirements, but I haven't been able to go purchase the books or order the scrubs because I am so torn. I am trying really hard to discern whether or not Heavenly Father is trying to tell me it is ok to try to go to school, or whether I just need to submit to His will for me and let go of my own ambitions. I am usually pretty good at discerning answers from Him, but this time...
Secondly, a new baby. Again, Matt and I KNOW the right answer on this one, but Satan has literally camped out on my shoulder and whispered to me every chance he gets that I am not a good enough mother.
"You just yelled at your kids and they didn't deserve that."
"James only wants to play with you and you never seem to have enough time for him."
"Remember how you were going to put your foot down and teach your kids an amazing work ethic this summer?...Why are you letting them watch TV?"
"You can't do it Carol, you know that you will be overwhelmed and cranky."
"Remember how fat you get when you are pregnant?"
"Remember how you only get fatter when you nurse?"
"I mean really, what kind of a mother needs to take a nap every day?"
"In the end, you are selfish and lazy, and you will never be good enough."
Oh man, it hurts to type these words (which my heart tells me are lies), but I have heard them sooooo many times that it's hard not to listen. I realize that these 'thoughts' may seem trivial, but to me personally, they cut to the bone.
Please do not misunderstand me, I do not doubt for one minute that my Savior and Heavenly Father are aware of me and my pain. I KNOW that They know that I am good enough, but right now I am in the midst of battle.
I am, once again, in need of your prayers.
Project Run & Play Repeat!
9 years ago
6 comments:
Hey Carol-
Just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you! You are a great mother and I know you truly love your children which is the most important thing of all!
I am sorry you are struggling so much right now. I had no idea. I know how hard it is sometimes to discern what is His will and what is yours. Keep praying. Maybe He hasn't answered you quite yet. In His time you will know. But until then remember that He loves you just the way you are. You don't have to be doing just the right thing, only what is right. I will be praying for you Carol.
Hi Carol! This is your cousin Kara. You may not realize this, but I have been reading your blog a lot because it's fascinating. I love your honesty. You express what so many of us feel as mothers but are afraid to say out loud.
When I have struggled with the thoughts you described, the most comforting realization, ironically, is this: Actually, I really AM NOT good enough. The Lord actually gave us our weaknesses to humble us. Sometimes our Mormon work ethic prevents us from truly accepting the Savior.
Both choices have merit. The thing to do is make a decision and then ask Father in Heaven to send you peace if it is correct. You must realize that sometimes either decision could be correct, so Heavenly Father lets you ultimately decide. Love, Mom
Carol, I love love love your honesty. I feel the same insecurities. You are not alone. I think most of us feel like we are not enough. I love what Kara said. She is right on. I remember when I was at a turning point in my life as to whether to start a family or career. I truly felt both where good. I read something to the effect that their are many good decision that we can make. Search out and become educated in all options and then come to the Lord with our choice. Continue on that path and Heavenly Father will let us know if it is wrong. This comforted me at that fork in the road. Take care.
Just so you know. A mother of 4 alone is a huge undertaking, then add on foster mother and adoptee mother. You are wonder women. YOU ARE NO FAILURE!!!
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